


Small Moments

by hunters_retreat



Series: Small Moments [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Avalanches, Happily Ever After, Locked In, M/M, Misunderstandings, unhappily married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 15:23:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4792562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten year anniversary celebrations weren't something to miss, so Jensen agreed to going to his friend Chris and Steve's week long get away.  Only he hadn't expect his partner to go along and demand they leave two days into it.  Still, he didn't have to put up with it much longer because they both knew it was over.  That was, until they got trapped in a cabin all by themselves and come face to face with themselves, their failing relationship, and the truth they've both refused to see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Small Moments

 

   

  

 

 

Jensen sighed as he tried not to lose his temper. He understood, he really did, but he’d had enough of angry glares lately. He didn’t need more from his best friend. “Chris, I’m sorry man. I know it was supposed to be all weekend, but Jared has to work tomorrow and I promised him we’d leave together. Trust me, you don’t want us here any longer either.”

He could see from the way Chris looked over his shoulder at Jared who was waiting pseudo-patiently that Chris would have been more than happy to send Jared on his way without his lover.

“It’s done, Chris, and we both know it, but he’s so damn stubborn and I promised to at least wait until next week to say anything. I’m just …” he sighed. “… He didn’t want to add any more tension to this weekend and I agreed. You and Steve have a right to celebrate.” He leaned in and pulled Chris into an embrace. “So go celebrate. Just remember this time next year I’ll be back and I’ll have some hot young thing on my arm instead.”

“Alright,” Chris said softly. “But you know you can always come back without him.”

Jensen smiled and nodded as he pulled away. Grabbing his heavy weather coat from the pile by the door, they said their good-byes to everyone. It was like old times really, all of them getting together to celebrate Steve and Chris’s 10- year anniversary. The whole gang had shown up from all over the country, people Steve and Chris had been able to keep in contact with and to see whenever their band led them to town.

Just like old times, except when he looked at Jared there was nothing warm in his gaze. He used to joke that Jared’s smile was enough to warm him without a fire, but now it was all cold glares and that cool, aloof veneer. Two years later you’d think he’d be used to it, but sitting there among their friends, it seemed alien and new. Painful.

"You ready to go babe?" Jared asked from the doorway and Jensen took a deep breath to keep from snapping because Jared knew he hated being called babe.

"Of course." He walked over to Steve, hugging him closely. "Have a good time man. Get laid and drink too much and keep each other happy."

"Be careful driving, Jared. Heard there was some bad weather coming up." Steve said over Jensen's shoulders.

"Don't worry, Steve. Know these roads better than the back of my own hand, ” Jared said with a warm smile for their friend. It was true. Jared worked with the forest service and the reason they knew about these cabins at all was Jared's connections there. The only reason any of them could afford to rent out the deluxe cabin was because Jared had saved the owner from a landslide on a lower part of the mountain years before. Chris might not like Jared at the moment, but they were all friends, dating back to college, and Steve and Jared were still as close as they had been back then. He'd never given any indication that he knew of the trouble between Jared and Jensen, and Chris swore he'd know if Steve knew something, but Jensen wasn't so sure. The look Steve gave Jared as he opened the door for him was slightly pained, and he felt a flash of jealousy that Steve knew something that maybe he didn't.

"Let’s get going,” he said, pushing past Jared without looking back.

 

 

The car ride was quiet. Jensen didn't know what to say. It'd been a long time since he'd known how to fill the gap between them.

"Steve and Chris looked good," Jared said softly.

"Don't they always? Guess the rock ‘n roll lifestyle suits them."

Jared let out a small laugh. "They suit each other."

"You think?" Jensen asked. "Because I was getting a feeling that maybe that 10 years of happily ever after wasn't so real. You and Steve seemed sort of cozy, after all."

"Jesus Christ, Jensen! So now I’m fucking Steve? That's it? I took the last two days off work so we could go to their anniversary weekend because you insisted on going, and now I’m secretly working my way into Steve's pants?"

Jensen looked away from Jared and out the window. He didn't really think it but there were times when Jensen's jealousy could set him on paths he hadn't expected.

"It didn't used to be like this. We were the ones they all thought had happily ever after in the bag."

"Yeah,” Jensen laughed mirthlessly. "Too bad the bottom fell out on the way home."

The words were barely out of his mouth when the car lurched to the side. "What the hell?"

"Fuck!" was all Jared said as his hands tightened on the wheel, his arms working hard to keep the wheel where it needed to be.

"Ice?"

"Oh, hell no! Jen, hold on!" It was the last thing he heard before the world turned white around him. The car moved as if on it's own and try though it might, the car seat wasn't enough to keep Jensen from bashing his head into the side window.

 

 

 

He woke up to Jared's frantic voice. "Jensen? Jen, come on man. Need you to wake up. We got to get out of here."

Jensen blinked his eyes slowly. It hurt, the light was too bright and he had a headache to make all others go whining back to their mamas. There was panic in Jared's voice though and considering Jared's usual job, it meant something. He didn't panic often.

"What happened?"

Jared looked at him for a minute, looked like he was about to reach over and grab him, but then he closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. Jensen pushed down the disappointment as he watched the man he'd spent the last 6 years with trying to gain control.

"Avalanche,” Jared said softly. "We were lucky enough to get caught on the outside of the main path and it kept sweeping us back that way. We have to get out of here though. It's too late for them start a search and we'll freeze out here tonight."

"Where can we go?"

Jared sighed. "You can walk right?"

Jensen just nodded.

"I know where we are. They were considering trying to block this part of the mountain off before things got worse. There are a few cabins out this way. I think we're close enough to get to one before night fall."

"Should we leave the car? I mean, they'll be looking for it, right?"

Jared pulled out of his seat belt and sighed. "I have my pack with the GPS tracker on it. They can find me whether they find the car or not, but we can't survive a night in this weather and I need to get somewhere I can look at your head. Besides, the cabins should have a radio we can call in with. No one is going to be looking for us, Jen. No one is going to miss us for a few days and we need to let them know how to find us."

"Won't they worry when you don't show up at work tomorrow?"

Jared looked away. "Come on Jen, let's get going."

"You don't have to work tomorrow do you?" Jensen snorted. "You lied to me. Why am I surprised? After everything else, why the hell would I be surprised?"

Jared didn't say anything, crawling around to the back of the SUV and grabbing their packs. He handed Jensen one and took his own before pushing open the sunroof on the vehicle. Jared stuck his head out and looked down at Jensen, his eyes not quite meeting his. "No good pushing at the doors. We're not getting the SUV out. Follow me."

Jensen looked at the pack in his hands and thought about the almost blinding headache and leaned back, wondering if he should just insist on staying in the car. He heard Jared scrambling out and then the quiet that followed. He just wanted to sleep.

"Jen? You gotta trust me, man. On this, you gotta trust me. It's what I do."

Jensen looked up and started to undo his belt. He might not trust Jared any further than he could throw him when it came to their personal lives, but Jared was right. This was what he did. If anyone could keep him alive after an avalanche on a snow-covered mountain, it was Jared. "Yeah Jay. I'm coming."

 

 

 

Jensen’s head was pounding and his feet felt numb. The only thing that kept him going was the need to keep Jared's back in sight. He stumbled a couple times, falling into the snow and Jared's competent, strong arms pulled him out each time. He let his mind drift as they walked, trying to get rid of the numbness of boredom and pain and exhaustion. They'd been walking for an hour and he kept himself entertained with images of throwing all of Jared's precious CDs into a fire and burning them, prancing around the warmth of the flames naked. His other fantasy involved a lot of naked but little music, no fire, and the man in front of him begging.

Jensen wasn't paying enough attention and the last time he fell into the snow he felt Jared pull him from it and wrapped his hand around his own. He tried to pull away but Jared held firm. "Just need to make sure you're keeping up, Jensen." Jared yelled back at him.

The wind had picked up and the snow was blowing in their faces. "I'm fine,” he yelled back, trying to reclaim his hand.

"Damn it Jen! Fine!" He threw Jensen's hand away and glared at him. "We're close. Keep up and pay attention."

The walk was harder because of the way the snow had piled up, drifts causing them to sink further and have to walk around them where they could see them. Jared kept on, moving them always forward with the steady, sure way he had that calmed people. It was another fifteen minutes before Jared grinned back at him, pointing to their right. In the midst of a copse of trees was a cabin. They made their way to it, having to go through the back because of the snowdrift that was too deep to dig through.

Jensen felt warmer instantly without the wind pulling at his clothes and he stumbled numbly in the door and sat on the bench at the kitchen table. Jared was walking around, checking out supplies and making sure everything they needed was there. Jensen let him. Jared liked to be in control, liked to make sure everything was planned out and in place. He liked to take care of people and it made him good at his job. Jensen used to think it made him good with him, but time had taught him how untrue that was.

"Jensen? I need you to help me out, man. Need you to see if you can find the radio while I get a fire going."

He wanted to tell Jared to stop telling him what to do, but now that the chill of the wind was gone and he'd adjusted, he realized he was still freezing cold. He needed to move. He left the kitchen with its large, open space and table and looked around the front room. The cabin was comfortably decorated; the walls were plain white with dark stained wood framing everything. A large leather couch and chair were in the front room, along with a rocking chair in one corner, a small reading lamp on one side and a bookcase on the other. He walked down the hallway that opened up and found one door on the right, one on the left and another at the end of the hallway. He opened the closest and found a small den. A desk and chair were pulled up on one side and it looked like it was set up for a computer, only there was no computer in sight. Whoever owned the cabins must have set it up for their personal use when they came out. The closets were empty except for towels and extra blankets so he grabbed the blankets and threw them out on the couch in the living room, refusing to look for Jared, before going back.

The bathroom was on the right and while there was a nice big tub, Jensen doubted he'd get much use out of it. The water was probably off since the pipes might freeze without use.

The last door of the hallway was the bedroom. It was dominated by a massive bed that he was sure would have been far more enticing in better times. He could imagine Jared laying across it, long limbs stretched out and reaching for him, eyes full of longing and love. He closed his eyes and pushed away the thought. It'd been a long time since Jared had reached for him as anything more than a much-needed fuck.

He went through the drawers and found most of them empty. When he opened the closet, there were more linens, but he finally came across his target. He found the radio as well as a package of new batteries beside it. He grabbed both and took them to the kitchen table, setting them down.

"Thank God. I was beginning to think you were going to come back empty handed." Jared took charge of the radio and turned it on, smiling politely at Jensen. "Why don't you go take a seat by the fire? You'll warm up faster if you get out of your coat and wet clothes and just huddle up under those blankets."

Jensen wanted to ask how stupid he thought he was, but he refrained. How many times had Jared talked to him about this type of situation? How many times had he drilled it into his head when they first started coming on trips into the mountains together? How many times had he come home after a long day at work to talk about the idiots who got lost in the woods or who didn't listen to what they'd been told? He wasn't one of those idiots, and he bit his tongue to keep from reminding Jared of that.

Jensen was stripped down to boxers and a tee when he realized Jared's voice had gotten quiet as he talked over the radio. He wrapped a couple blankets around him and walked into the other room. "No, no we'll be alright,” he heard him saying into the radio. "We're at the old Tosh cabins so we can handle things. I'll check in with you in the morning and again tomorrow night. Do what you’ve got to do, but don't forget about us completely."

There was a laugh at the other end of the line and Jensen felt the sting of jealousy again. He wondered who was working then, if it was Mike or Tom or the new guy. The smile on Jared's face as he turned around, the way it fell when he saw Jensen standing there, made him think it was the new guy. "So, no rescue?" He asked.

Jared looked down at his feet. "Looks like a few more people got caught in the avalanche and they haven't been found yet. I told them not to waste the man-hours on us. We can manage a few days while they deal with that."

"A few days?"

Jared held his hands up. "Probably not. I just don't want anyone worrying about us when they have someone they actually need to worry about."

Jensen snorted as he rolled his eyes and headed into the living room. "Great. Wonderful."

"Look, this was your idea, Jen, so don't spit it all back out on me. You wanted to come see Chris and Steve so we did."

"I planned on going alone."

"Why? Planning on hitting it up with Chris behind my back?"

"Why not? Already playing the other side of that fence, aren't you?"

Jared opened his mouth and shut it again without saying anything. He finally shook his head and walked away. When he came back, he was stripped to his boxers and tee as well and Jensen kept his eyes downcast, watching him move in his periphery. Blankets were wrapped around his frame, but then he was sitting on the couch beside Jensen.

"Jensen? I'm freezing. I need to get warmer."

He let out an angry snort because it was far too much like a pick up line, but he knew it was the truth in the situation. They both needed the warmth and while the last thing he wanted to do was to cuddle up close to Jared, they had to. He looked up as Jared opened his arms and he opened the blankets around him, moving into the circle of those arms. They shuffled around a few minutes before they got comfortable, Jared leaning back into the couch with Jensen tucked under his chin and resting his head on his chest.  
He wanted to get away, but it was warmer that way and he suppressed the need to run. It was rather ironic since the only thing he really wanted was for Jared to hold him like this again, to mean it. He felt strong hands in his hair as Jared moved a little.

"Looks like you got a nice bump Jensen, but nothing serious. Probably ought to keep you awake a while though, to make sure you aren't concussed."

"God, does this normally work on your victims? The whole, ‘gotta keep you warm and keep you up all night’ routine?" Jensen lashed out.

Jared's hands stilled in his hair and he felt the shaky breath he took. "No. Only time it ever worked was on you."

Jensen closed his eyes against the images, against the memories of their first time out in the mountains, the cheesy lines, the overdone romance of the fire and the snow and the cabin to themselves, and the slow, breathtaking way Jared had loved him. "Just... shut up Jared. We keep this up and the only thing your friends will find when they get here is a corpse."

 

 

The night was long but Jared meant it when he said he was keeping Jensen awake. They didn't talk anymore, but every so often Jared would poke him or prod him to make sure he wasn't sleeping. A few times he woke him up but in the end, he always woke up, so that was what mattered. Jared got up a few times to pile more wood on the fire. The place was warming up but not quick enough that Jensen wanted to venture into the freezing bedroom. It had its own fireplace, but it wasn’t big enough to warm the place up on its own. Instead they stayed huddled on the couch together.

When morning came, Jared made another call on the radio and checked in. They'd managed to find two people in the avalanche and another four were still missing. When he was done, he brought a kettle over to heat on the fire. The cupboard was stocked so they had instant coffee, hot chocolate and oatmeal for breakfast. Their clothes were dried out, so Jensen dressed quickly and found himself with a whole day of nothing but Jared. Wow. It was going to be another awesome day.

Jared headed outside to work on the woodpile. Jensen watched out the window because if something happened he needed to know, but Jared was efficient with the axe and knew what he was doing. It helped that he'd grown up in places like this. Jared was a mountain man, through and through, minus the beard because they itched his skin too much. Jensen smiled softly at that, the memories of the few times he'd grown out a beard. It'd only last a few days before he was clean-shaven and showing off his dimples again.

Jensen was bored to tears though, and the fire was steady, but they'd brought in a lot of wood from the mudroom so he threw on his gear and headed out. He filled some of the big containers with snow so they'd have water melted inside for anything. Jared looked at him as he came back out, but Jensen just started pulling wood from the pile and carrying it into the mudroom to dry before it would be needed. He kept at it until the wall was full. His muscles would be sore tonight, but probably no more so than Jared's. As muscled as he was, chopping wood wasn't his normal workout routine.

When his stomach growled, Jensen went in search of lunch. He found soup and crackers and heated it over the fire. Jared didn't stop his chopping though, so he went out for him. Jared was a little surprised to be called back in, but he smiled gratefully when he saw the soup.

"I didn't realize I’d been out so long. God I’m starving."

"I figured." Jensen said, pulling the pan from their makeshift stove and pouring the rest into Jared's bowl. He'd watched Jared work out enough to know when he was in the zone and focused on nothing but the work. He'd seen it in his face as he'd chopped wood. Normally it meant he was working something out in his head, but Jensen didn't know him well enough anymore to ask about it.

"Thanks," Jared said, looking him in the eye with a small smile.

Jensen didn't know why something so small, a gesture that was so commonplace among strangers, could set his heart beating so fast. "We gotta eat."

"Yeah." Jared didn't say anything else as they ate, but once the dishes were in the sink there was nothing else to do. Jensen scanned the bookcase for something to read and came away with a book for each of them. The only way they were going to come out of this without another brilliant fight was to keep them from one another. Jensen took his book and headed into the bedroom. He set the book on the bed and brought in enough wood to get a good fire started. The room was cooler than the rest of the house, but it'd be warm enough with the blankets and fire. With the door closed between them, Jensen felt like he could breathe again. He wasn't used to Jared in his space like this anymore. He settled into the bed and pulled the blankets up around himself. Opening the book, he let out a sigh, wishing for the days when Jared would have curled up at his side.

 

 

It was Jared who brought in dinner. More soup and crackers but it was warm, and since he'd been doing nothing but reading, the hot meal in his stomach made him sleepy. Jensen didn't know when he fell asleep but it was sometime after Jared took the dishes away and before he'd curled up in bed with him. He opened sleepy eyes, waking in the middle of the night because of the press of his bladder. He stumbled to the bathroom and relieved himself but when he got back to the bedroom he had to stop at the sight of his lover. Jared was a beautiful person and it was never so revealing as when he slept. Jensen pulled his jeans and sweater off and crawled back into the bed with him, trying not to wake him. He scooted up close, letting his fingertips run over Jared's cheek, his eyes, and his lips. Jared's hand came up and caught his wrist, pulling his hands close until he could kiss his fingers.

Jensen pulled away, knowing Jared was still asleep but afraid to wake him. He made sure there was distance between them even though they were still sharing body heat to keep warm. Jared opened sleep filled eyes and stared at Jensen for a minute. Jensen turned over then, turned away from those eyes that could see too far into him. He felt Jared's arms reach for him, felt himself being pulled flush against him and even though he'd resolved himself to stop this, he pushed his hips back, feeling Jared behind him, hard and heavy.

"Jen..." Jared whispered into the back of his neck.

Jensen felt Jared's hand come across his hip and slide under his waistband, felt his boxers being pushed down. He wanted to cry in frustration, wanted Jared to pull him over and kiss him senseless, to look into his eyes and see the depth of love that still burned there. He wanted Jared to be his again, not just some stranger living the life they'd once loved. He didn't want this dispassionate sex. It was all he had to give though, and this was always something Jared would take. He felt Jared's fingers pressing into him, felt himself being opened and he bit his lip to keep from moaning, hated that his body betrayed him with this wanton desire and how his hips moved against Jared's hand, pushing him in deeper and deeper. He felt Jared's breath over the back of his neck, felt his lips kiss and bite across his shoulder as fingers were replaced by his cock. He felt himself pushed forward into the mattress, lying on his stomach with Jared pumping in and out of him. Jared pulled him back up to his hands and knees and even as he fucked hard into him, he wrapped a hand around Jensen, stroking him in time with his thrusts.

Jared bit his shoulder and Jensen bit his lip to keep from screaming as orgasm ripped through him. His legs gave out and Jared collapsed with him, both sated and sleepy. Only Jensen felt empty as Jared pulled away, going to the bathroom to clean himself up before coming back to bed. He pulled Jensen close again, his hand resting on Jensen's hip in a possessive manner that Jensen would kill for outside the bedroom.

Exhausted as he was, it took a long time to sleep, Jared pressed against his back and the light of the fire throwing golden hues over his beautiful face and wild hair.

 

 

 

"We gonna talk about this?"

"About what?" Jensen asked without looking up from his book.

"Last night, the night before. Every night for the past year?"

Jensen took a deep breath and sighed. "What's there to say?"

"I’m pretty sure there's a lot to say."

"No, there's not." Jensen put the book down and looked over at Jared sitting in the chair across from him. "Only one thing to say and we've both put it off long enough."

"What’s that?" Jared asked.

"It's over."

Jared's eyes looked wild and he shot up from the chair. "No. No, that's not it. This isn't over. I refuse to let it end like this."

Jensen laughed bitterly. "Yeah? Because it's all about you, right? Well, I’m done Jared. I'm tired of giving you every goddamn thing and being treated like this. I deserve better!"

"You think I deserve this, Jen? You think I deserve your jealousy? Think I deserve the way you watch me constantly, waiting for me to fuck everything up? You have any idea how hard it is to live like that?"

"Jesus, this doesn't have to be a fight Jared. Just admit we're through. We can't talk anymore. All we do is fight."

"We weren't fighting last night."

"Fine. All we do is fuck or fight. Better?"

Jared's eyes shot through with a combination of pain and anger and Jensen was at a loss for both. "That's not true. I don't just fuck you, I make love to you."

"You won't kiss me."

"You won't let me!"

"I know you don't want me Jared. I'm just what's available so you take what you can. Sometimes I’m surprised you even do that, as incompetent as you think I am."

"What?" Jared shook his head quickly. "Never mind. You know what Jen? This is about whatever fucked up issues you have about yourself. I've never called you incompetent and I’ve never treated you like that. I've always looked out for you and cared for you, Jensen. Considering the amount of shit you give me though, you should be worshipping me. Jesus. All you ever think about is how I’m cheating on you."

"I wonder why."

"I'd love to know because I never have!"

"Don't you fucking lie to me Jared!" Jensen said, standing from the couch and glowering at his lover. "We’re done and you don't have to lie anymore." He walked out, not wanting Jared to see how close he was to tears. He didn't cry, had never been a crier, but after all their years together, the lies hurt more than anything. He went into the bedroom and sat at the edge of the bed, burying his head in his hands.

"You're serious." The amazed statement came from the doorway. "You're really serious. You think I’ve been fucking around on you? What the hell? What sort of a guy do you think I am?"

"The horny kind. Just leave it, Jared. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to go stay with Chris when we get home until I find my own place."

"So I’m a cheating asshole and you're the martyred lover now is that it?" Jared demanded. "I didn't fucking cheat!"

"Jeff."

Jared stopped what he was about to say, his whole body straightening completely. "What?"

"I know about Jeff."

"You know what about Jeff?"

Jensen took a deep breath. "I know about the work conference you went to. I know all about how he met you there, how you were sneaking him into your room so no one who knew about us would ask questions Jared."

Jared's eyes were wide, wounded, and Jensen knew he was past denying it then. "Jensen, it's not what you think."

"Really? What part of the conversation I overheard did I misunderstand? Was it the part where you were going to fuck him into the wall before you fucked him into the mattress?" He was amazed at how calm his voice sounded. "What about the part where you told him you were going to fuck his mouth until he couldn’t speak for a week? What part of that isn't want I think it is?"

Jared leaned back against the wall, his head lowered. "Jesus."

"Yeah." Jensen said coldly. It wasn't like he'd been trying to catch Jared out or anything. He'd woken from a nap one day to find Jared gone and went to find him. Only when he'd found him, he'd been on the phone with his other lover, telling him all the nasty things he'd do to him at the survival workshop thing he'd told Jensen to stay home for. It wasn't like things had been perfect between them at that point, but it had still shocked Jensen to the core. It was one thing to have Jared treat him like he was incompetent but another to jump to cheating.

"Jensen..." He was moving then, away from the wall and he had Jensen's hands in his own before Jensen realized what he was doing. "I didn't... I never... I mean it was what it sounded like. I admit that. I was lost and hurt and Jeff was hot and showed some interest and yeah I entertained the idea of it. Yeah, we had it all planned out, but I couldn't do it. I got to the hotel and all I could think of was that I really wished you were there with me and I felt guilty that I’d been lying and so I called him and told him it wasn't going to happen."

"And I’m supposed to believe that."

"You know me, Jen. I'm not that kind of guy."

"I didn't think you were until then," Jensen said, pulling his hands free of Jared's grasp.

Jared stood up, walking away from Jensen, looking out the window of the bedroom. "Jesus, how the hell did we get so fucked up?"

"What did I do?" Jensen asked, getting out of the bed and crossing over to Jared, standing behind him, his forehead buried in Jared's back. He couldn't do this face to face, couldn't risk the regret and disgust he might see in Jared's face. "We were good for so long ,but then everything changed. What did I do to make you hate me like that?"

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

"Then why? All of a sudden I couldn't do anything right. You didn't want me to drive or take care of the bills. I wasn't allowed to do the shopping or clean the house. It was like everything I did wasn't good enough anymore. I went to work and that was it. You even asked me to stop that after a while. What the hell did I do to be so worthless to you?"

He felt the tremor in Jared's body, felt the way he shuddered and he wanted to take the question back but he couldn't. Jared was right. There was a lot to say, even if they were done.

"Jen... I never... "

A wave of his hand was all he got because then Jared was pulling away, walking from the room with his head hung low and his shoulders hunched. He didn't chase after him. He didn't know what else he could say that would make things better and they could always get worse.

 

 

 

Jensen stayed in the bedroom for the rest of the day. He didn't come out for food and none was offered. He wondered if Jared had eaten, if he felt as sick to his stomach as Jensen did, but he didn't have the strength to find the answer to that. It was late when he fell asleep, alone and feeling bruised and beaten. He woke when Jared came in, putting a few more logs on the fire before crawling under the covers.

"Tomorrow’s the last day. Looks like they've been able to take care of everything else but they've got exhausted crews. I told them to take a day. Hope you don't mind. I know you have things to get back to, but..."

"It's fine. I understand, Jared." And he did. He knew what it was like for Jared when something like that happened. How there was nothing but the search until they were all about ready to drop. He didn't have to be back for anything spectacular. In fact, if they'd gone home as planned, he would probably have been on his way back to see Chris and Steve anyway. Jared was the only reason he'd left early.

The silence fell thick around them, neither asleep and neither speaking. It was Jared who broke the silence between them. "The car accident."

"What?"

"You asked earlier. What changed everything? It was the accident."

Jensen wasn't sure he could do this, even if he had asked for it. At the time, there had been something vulnerable about Jared. He wasn't sure now though. He couldn't take the anger anymore. He just hoped he was in the mood for talking again, that he could open up. It'd been a long time since they'd both done that.

"There was nothing I could have done to avoid it Jared. We talked about it-"

"I don’t blame you for the accident Jensen but that's when it started. I mean, I work out here and we get calls often enough about people lost or something happening to them that it shouldn't bother me but, when I got that call man, I couldn't make it down the mountain on my own. They had to drive me to the hospital. I was a mess man. Worse, I was panicked. I calmed down when I got to you but all I kept thinking was how I’d almost lost you. I kept thinking I didn't do enough for you, never showed you enough how much you mean to me."

His hand reached out, touching his face lightly and Jensen felt a sob rising in his throat. He forced it back down, closed his eyes to the pain he saw in Jared's face because he couldn’t look at him like that and not want to make it better

"It wasn't that I didn't want you to drive, or that I thought you couldn't, I just wanted to take you everywhere. I wanted to be with you wherever you went. I wanted people to see us together and know that we belonged together. I wanted you to understand. I never... I never wanted you to believe I didn't think you could do things yourself. I just wanted to do things for you, to show you how much I loved you."

Jared paused, his fingers brushing lightly over Jensen's lips. "You started to get so angry with me. I didn't know. I never knew why. I talked to some people and they said it was probably just the accident. That events like that sometimes scare people into doing or saying things they didn't mean. But you just kept... you got meaner and meaner Jensen and I never knew what I would do that would set you off. Then you got jealous and I tried to be home more, tried to be with you and show you how I felt but it just seemed to make things worse. And then Jeff ... I swear Jen, I didn't cheat on you. I couldn't go through with it. I just..."

"Why did you lie to me then?" Jensen asked, opening his eyes finally. "You said we had to leave early this weekend because you had to work. Where were you going, if you weren't cheating on me?"

Jared closed his eyes and sighed. When he looked up he kept his eyes lowered slightly, staring at Jensen's lips instead of his eyes. "You can ask Steve if you don't believe me. He helped me figure it out,” he said, as if he knew Jensen wouldn’t' believe him. Considering how much of the past two years they'd spent hurling hateful words at one another it wasn't hard to imagine why.

"I was going to take you out. I had it all planned. I was hoping you'd relax a little around everyone and then when we left, I was going to take you to a hotel. Had reservations downtown and then we were going to go to this steak house I heard about. I was gonna try to win you back, Jen," he said softly. "I was going to ask you to go away with me, two weeks, just the two of us. Someplace warm, like Hawaii." His hand cupped Jensen's cheek. "Remember how much you liked it there? No cold, no snow, no mountains for me to be stuck on. Just beautiful beaches and volcanoes and us."

"You were going to seduce me with beaches?"

Jared nodded slightly. "I was gonna try."

"But... you don't even like me, Jared."

"Jesus, Jensen. I love you. I've never stopped loving you. I don't think I could function without you here with me. Please, I know I screwed up baby, but let me make it up to you. Tell me how and to prove myself."

Jensen looked at Jared for a few minutes. He knew what he wanted to do, knew how hard it was for him to walk away, but there was so much pain between them now. "I don't know that you can, Jared," he said softly. He could see the pain in those beautiful eyes and he continued on. "I don't know that you can, but I want you to. Give me tonight," he said softly. "Just... can we let everything else go tonight? Just... make love to me. No pulling away, no recriminations. Just... love me tonight, Jay. Can you do that?"

Jared's eyes were filled, tears threatening to spill and Jensen didn't think he could stand it. Jared was pushing forward though, pushing into him, his lips grazing lightly at Jensen's. He moaned at the contact, at the soft, almost shy, touch of his lover's lips. He opened to Jared, his nerves on edge as he tried to figure out what to do with his hands. Jared pulled him closer, pulled their bodies flush and then Jensen's hand was on his arm, just rubbing up and down and it was all maddening.

Jared broke the kiss, but his lips never left Jensen's skin. He kissed across Jensen's face, his cheeks and eyes and down to the spot just below his ear that he loved to have nipped. Jared licked at his skin lightly, teeth grazing in a way that made Jensen shiver. He couldn’t remember the last time he'd been that turned on, couldn't remember the last time Jared had taken his time like this.

Jensen ran his fingers through Jared's hair and then pulled him up by it, pulled him back to his lips.

Jared shifted on the bed, going up on one elbow so that Jensen was forced onto his back. "God Jen," he whispered as he leaned his forehead against the other man's. "Missed this so damn much."

He kissed at Jensen's neck, his free hand roaming down his body and stopping at his hip. Jared tugged slightly, pulling his tee shirt up enough to let his hand slide underneath it. Jensen moaned into his mouth at the familiar hand running paths over his stomach, and it felt more like electricity than warmth.

Jensen looked up at Jared and there was heat there but it was buried in so much sorrow he felt he could drown in it. Those weren't the eyes of a man who was just looking for a body. "God... Jay...” he said, pulling his lips back to his. They were the eyes of someone who was lost, someone who loved and wanted and didn't understand until it was too late. Jensen knew now though, knew how wrong he'd been all along. They'd both fucked this up and he just hoped they could get past it. Hoped they could change their ways and find a way back together.

Jensen let his hand drop from Jared's arm because there was so much beautiful man over him and he wanted more, wanted everything Jared offered tonight. He pulled at the edge of Jared's shirt until Jared was sitting up and tugging it over his head. He took in the sight of all that warm flesh and leaned closer to him, taking a deep breath of him as he nuzzled against his neck.

"Jen...” he heard the whispered plea and Jensen smiled at it. He kissed Jared's chest, nipping and licking and biting over his collarbone and playing with each nipple until it was a hardened nub. He brought his hand down, trailing his fingers across the waistband of Jared's boxers.

"Jay... I want... "

"Anything you want baby, Jesus, anything."

Jensen leaned up, smiling as he did, then kissed Jared, pushing him back onto the bed as his hands began working the boxers down his legs. When he broke the kiss it was to push the cloth from Jared's legs. When he looked up at Jared all the sorrow had been buried by heat and something in Jensen loosened up a little. If they could do this, if they could remember this, maybe they could remember the rest also? He swallowed against that thought and Jared seemed to sense something because he was reaching up with one hand to cup his face. Jensen turned into it, kissing his palm lightly before he smiled softly at his lover. He leaned down and let his forehead rest on Jared's chest for a moment before moving lower.

His hand played across Jared's skin as he nosed his way down, lips trailing and dragging across Jared’s abdomen until he was close enough to reach out and lick across the head of his cock. Jared moaned and Jensen licked his lips before opening wide and taking him down. God, it’d been too long and he missed this, missed the more intimate side of lovemaking. He missed the feel of Jared on his tongue, of his fingers working through his short hair. He missed the sound of his moans and the way his hips would stutter underneath him as he tried not to thrust up into his mouth even though he wanted to.

"Jen... I need..."

Jensen pulled off of him because he knew that voice, knew the tone and what his lover was asking for. He crawled up the bed as he pulled his tee shirt off and Jared's hands were there, pulling at his boxers. When Jared lowered him to the bed, he followed, lips catching Jensen's and everything else was forgotten for a while as his tongue slid wet and warm between his lips. He could feel Jared trembling over him, could feel how worked up his lover was. He rolled his hips slightly and they both moaned at the feeling as their cocks dragged against one another.

Jared moved slowly down his body then, his fingers running softly over flesh to be followed by his lips. Jensen felt wet fingers circling him and he pushed down slightly, letting Jared know this was what he wanted to, that no matter what he'd said about just being a fuck that he wanted Jared inside him. He felt Jared's finger circle him and then he was pressing in. It wasn't anything he was used to anymore, the slow press and pull as Jared worked him open. He closed his eyes to keep the tears back because this was what he remembered them as. He felt hot breath over his skin and then Jared's finger was removed and he felt his tongue swipe across him before pressing in.

He moaned at the feel of it, of Jared's tongue inside him and his hot breath over his skin. A finger was pressed in beside his tongue and he couldn't keep from pushing back into it. A second finger pressed in and Jared's tongue pulled out, skating over his skin until he was licking at his balls, sucking lightly at one and then the other. He scissored his fingers then worked in a third and Jensen could feel his cock hard and leaking against his stomach. He felt like coming from the feel of it all, knew that Jared could make him come just like that. "Jared, please..."

And just like that, Jared's fingers were replaced with his cock and Jared was pressed against him, his body lined up and his lips searing. His tongue pressed into Jensen's mouth as his cock pressed into his body, both long and slow and waiting for the inch-by-inch give.

When he was bottomed out, Jared pulled back, staring down at Jensen. His eyes searched his face and Jensen could see the sorrow there again, but so much more than that also. "God Jen, love you so much."

He reached a hand up to Jared's face and Jared closed his eyes at the touch, letting himself lean into the gesture. And Jensen knew he had to do this, had to give them another chance. He wanted this so much and Jared seemed to want it, too. This was the couple he remembered. And he realized with all the anger and the pain and the hurt that there were some things he'd stopped saying to Jared, thinks he needed to know as well.

"Love you too, Jay. Could never stop loving you."

Jared's eyes snapped open and he looked at him in so much wonder and Jensen felt so small for having held the words back for so long. Jared crushed his lips to Jensen's, the kiss desperate and hungry and when Jensen rolled his hips Jared thrust down into him. Their lips never parted, never left one another as they rocked back and forth together. It wasn't until his body started shaking that Jared pulled away and then he was holding himself up on his elbows, hands caressing Jensen's face as he looked into his eyes. "Come for me baby," he pleaded.

Jensen did, his body contracting around Jared and they were both climaxing, staring into one another's eyes. They were both breathing heavy but Jensen couldn't look away, not as the aftershocks shook his body or when it started to calm. It wasn't until he could feel Jared's arms shaking from holding him in that one position for so long that he smiled softly and pushed on Jared's chest to get him to pull away.

Jensen moaned as he felt Jared leaving his body but he followed his lover back onto the bed, resting his head against Jared's chest. Jared's arm came up around his shoulders and held him close, the other hand came up to his lower back and trailed circles over his skin.

Jensen didn't know what to say, didn't know how to address anything that he knew Jared would want to talk about. Instead of being hounded by Jared though, he looked up as his lover's breath evened out and he fell asleep. Jensen leaned up, kissed his lips softly and laid his head back down. He was asleep a moment later, more relaxed and happier than he'd been since the accident that had almost taken his life.

 

 

 

"Jensen? What are you doing here?" Chris asked as he opened the door. Jensen looked inside and everyone was still there, the party continuing on its two week long journey that Jensen and Jared had slipped away from what felt like ages ago. Truth be told, it had only been six days. When the rescue patrol came for them, Jared had whisked Jensen off to the hotel he had talked about, taken him for the best steak he'd had in years, and seduced him with the promise of beaches and warm weather and nothing but the two of them. Alright, so they both knew he'd been seduced that night in bed, but the beach vacation was tempting because he did remember just how much fun they'd had there. But Jensen had wanted to come back and share in his friend's anniversary now and Jared was happy to be wherever Jensen was.

"Jared managed to get some more time off," he said with a smile.

Jensen could see Chris thrown by the change in him but he didn't have time to say anything more before Jared came barreling in behind him. "Got the stuff in the cabin," he said in Jensen's ear as he smiled at Chris. "Hey man! Long time." He didn't wait for Chris's reaction but was moving across the cabin, "Steve! Holy hell, man! It worked!"

Jensen couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped, because if Jared's enthusiasm wasn't enough, Steve's mouth dropped open as he looked up and over at Jensen. Jensen let his head fall back and he laughed. When he looked Jared was watching him with open hunger. He bit his bottom lip and turned his eyes back to Chris.

"Somehow Jenny, I think 'we're over' means something else in my book than it does in yours," Chris said.

Chris wasn't angry but there was concern written all over his face. Considering all the things Jensen had accused Jared of, the things he'd told Chris he'd done, there was no wonder. "I had a lot of things wrong, Chris."

"So did I."

Jensen didn't realize Jared had come back for him, but he spoke the words over Chris's shoulder and Chris glared at him for a second for sneaking up on him. "Hang a while, or go back to our place?" Jared asked him, ignoring Chris.

Jensen took pity on his friend though. "We got the cabin next door. And you," he said, crossing his arms over his chest, "need to go find me a beer."

"Yes sir,” Jared replied with a wink. "Anything you want, sir."

Chris's mouth hung open and Jensen was pretty sure if he looked, Steve's would be, too. "Cabin?" Chris finally managed to ask.

"Oh... yeah. You remember how loud Jared and I can be."

It used to be common practice for them to get their own cabin but the last two years they hadn't. They hadn't been getting along well enough to worry about being too loud for everyone else. Things changed though.

"Oh."

Jensen blushed and Jared came back just in time with his beer. Chris shook his head and welcomed Jared in, a little warmer than the last time, and Jared responded in kind. "Come on Jen, I see a couch with our name on it."

Jensen smiled at Chris and took Jared's hand. No one else said anything and Jensen was sure that only Steve and Chris had caught the change in them anyway, but he knew that Steve was watching them with a big, silly grin and that Chris was watching with weary but hopeful eyes. As he let Jared pull him onto the couch, resting between his long legs and tucking his head up under his chin, he let out a sigh of relief.

This was all Jensen needed. He had good friends, a good life and a good job. And he had Jared, his lover and his life. He had everything he had ever wanted because all he had ever wanted was love. He leaned up and kissed at the spot just beneath his ear and Jared looked down at him, surprise and awe in his eyes as he leaned closer, offering his lips. Jensen kissed him softly, reveling in the feel of the small moments. Because these? These small moments were love.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://spn-meanttobe.livejournal.com/profile)[spn_meanttobe](http://spn-meanttobe.livejournal.com/) prompt # 83. All that Love Is


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